Honey, who bugged the PC? Analysis/Humor Forget lipstick stains on the collar, perfume on the pillow, or earrings in the couch cushions. Here's a quick way to surprise a guilty spouse. Meet spyware, snoopware, or tattleware -- a guarantee that illicit Valentine's day memories will end in a massacre. Tattleware, for lack of a better name, records and reports a user's activities on your PC. Suspect that your child is visiting Wicca sites? Worried your employees spend their lives gaming online? Wonder why the apple of your eye has a reckless glint in hers/his? Wonder no more. Not since J. Edgar Hoover, the KGB, or the Gestapo have private files on individuals been so much fun, or so easy. Take Ron Grabaroni (name changed for obvious reasons). Now that he lost his wife to the Internet, he writes a litany of praises to the software-maker that revealed her dark side. Gee, thanks, Mr. Snoopmaster! Take Edith Battleby (name also changed), now that she has confronted her fiancé, Elbert, he promises to drop his forty-two online girlfriends, and spend more quality time offline. Gee, thanks, Mr. Snoopmaster! Snoopware usually falls into two kinds of stealth programs: recording programs that log keystrokes, window titles, domain names, and even make screen captures of a browser's contents; and transmitter programs that record and transmit by e-mail (often to a remote location) the activities of a user. This kind is particularly useful when you or your spouse is away from home. The spyware applications promise not to affect the performance of a PC. And, as a bonus, they often not only capture a suspect's messages, but his or her interlocutor's. Why try to cobble-together incomplete conversations to protect third parties? (Gee, thanks, Mr. Snoopmaster.) Best of all, tattleware programs are cheaper than sleazy private eyes. And they come with password protection for the spy who doesn't want to come in from the cold. February 21, 2001