Mars Strikes Back! Humor No one would have believed in the last years of [our] century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.-- H. G. Wells (The War of the Worlds, 1898) When the Mars Climate Orbiter crashed and fragmented in the Martian atmosphere on September 23, 1999 -- nearly three weeks ago -- no one suspected that the event was part of a vast conspiracy. No one except me, and possibly special agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder. First, can anyone in his right mind expect a rocket scientist to confuse meters and feet. ( The media's explanation for the crash was that scientists confused meters and feet in their calculations.) Is this dumb, or is this dumb? However, the sheer scope of the attempt to cloak the Martian threat in silly explanations only begins to make sense when you examine the behavior of the House Republicans this week. They began by threatening to vote down the nuclear test ban treaty -- oh, that's a good idea! -- and they followed up with a promise to cut the NASA budget by $1.325 billion. The Clinton administration asked for $3.6 billion, or a hundred million dollars less than last year's $3.7 billion budget. Their behavior makes no sense, unless, like me, you suspect the Martians are retaliating. We would have noticed if they had shot down our probe, you might argue. They didn't shoot down the probe. But that only shows how smart the critters are. Pulses. Telepathic pulses. They're sending telepathic pulses into the minds of the NASA work teams in California and Colorado, and they're definitely bombarding the House Republicans. Didn't you ever wonder why Republicans wear red ties? Again, a sign of Martian infiltration. Many Earth people hope that we can come to some kind of agreement with the Martians, buy their deuterium, help render their real estate salable with elaborate "terraform" technologies. Why, we might even melt their poles or drill for water. Already, Earth-bound planners are developing camping equipment for the 10-month trip, complete with tear-proof tents and tickets for a trek across the top of a monster volcano. The Martians may be more intelligent than we are -- but, hey, we have the simoleons. We have the bankers; they have the beachfront property. This is definitely the beginning of a beautiful friendship. October 13, 1999